I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
