nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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