were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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