those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
