I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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