I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
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