hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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