ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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