I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize