Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
