I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
