i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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