Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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