dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
