Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
