I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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