Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I checked into jail on foursquare
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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