whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
