So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
