Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
