Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
