ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
