I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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