Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
