Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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