You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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