You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
