I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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