I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wish life had little blips of pornography
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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