she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
They have beer where we have blood.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
