Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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