i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I want to be your penis for a week.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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