it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
