She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
