Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
