Im at strip club and am horny
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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