Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
