hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
