break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
