Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Vodka?
Forever.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
