i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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