Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
