you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
