I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize