I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
