I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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