i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
