Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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