wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
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