we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
