he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
