So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
