dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
