and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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