my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
