I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
