yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
