I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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