just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
